An Old-Fashioned Christmas (Washington Style)

Bill Clinton eased into the big leather chair behind the desk in the oval office and smiled to himself. Nobody thought he was "presidential" enough to suit their tastes these days, but here alone in this chair he could feel a moment of confidence. "At least I look like the President." he said to himself with a smug grin, "How could they say I don't?".
Bill lazily spun the chair around to the window overlooking the snow-covered twilight of the Whitehouse lawn and the national Christmas tree. Amid the twinkling lights from outside, he could see his own reflection in the glass. By habit he began running through his set of facial expressions, watching closely for flaws in each pose, stern...hopeful...angry...compassionate...smug...amused...grateful. He slouched a little in his chair and a crooked grin crossed his face. "If there's any time of the year people are willing to forgive others for being human, it's Christmas." he thought to himself, "With all that goodwill out there, a little of it will have to rub off on me, after all, I'm the closest thing to Santa Claus there is...and everyone loves Santa."
Bill winced sharply as he heard the click of a door knob and a plaintive sigh behind him. The first lady stormed across the office and he reluctantly turned to face her.
"Loafing again, Bill?" she asked. "Why aren't you doing anything useful?"
"I was just practicing being presidential, isn't that useful?" he asked.
"You weren't practicing, you were just gloating over having your own 40-foot Christmas tree. When will you grow up and start taking some responsibility for things around here?" she asked sharply. Without pausing for him to answer she went on. "You know, that's the perfect example of what's wrong with Christmas. Here you have a great job, a loving family, a country full of people who adore you," Bill opened his mouth to speak but was cut off. "And what do you pay attention to? A big electric Christmas tree. Where are your family values Bill? I really want to know. Or have you forgotten everything we discussed in our last meeting?".
Bill slouched lower into his chair. He didn't feel very presidential anymore.

"Does this mean that Chelsea and I are not getting any presents again this year honey?"

Hillary produced a copy of the Washington Post from the bundle of folders under her arm. "Just look at this,", she said as she tossed the open newspaper onto the desk, "notice anything peculiar here?".
Bill chuckled nervously as he examined the newspaper, "The elves on page three aren't anatomically correct?"
She glared at him impatiently. "No, of course not. Look at how many ads there are here for candy, gifts, toys, and decorations. How can they devote all those valuable column inches to such crude commercialism and not once mention the crippled children who are suffering tonight? How could they not mention the homeless people we are sheltering? I know what they are trying to do. They are trying to destroy all that is worthwhile in Christmas and leave us with nothing but crude pleasure, food, travel, gifts and money. Why don't you get rid of all that unimportant stuff Bill? Aren't you always telling people that you are in charge around here? We could have a REAL Christmas this year, just like the old-fashioned ones the pilgrims used to have. Wouldn't that be nice?"
Bill looked a little confused. "Does this mean that Chelsea and I are not getting any presents again this year honey?"
"What a selfish little child you are. That's all you care about, presents, feasting, and your own daughter. Can't you think just a little about other people and their feelings?" Without waiting for an answer she turned and walked toward the door.
Bill muttered to himself, "Well, at least I can count on Santa for a gift or two."
Hillary stopped dead in her tracks. Slowly and deliberately she turned to face Bill. "WHO?" she shrieked. Bill slipped even lower into the big chair. "Santa Claus" he said meekly, "Isn't Santa still OK?".
A calm look fell across Hillary's face as she began to lecture and pace like a college professor in front of an auditorium full of freshmen, "On the contrary, Santa Claus is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with Christmas and with this country. He's downright un-American. Do people like him because he helps the elderly? Because he feeds the poor? Certainly not. They just want those material objects he tosses at them from that extravagant sleigh of his. How crude. How vicious. There ought to be a law."
"A law against Santa? But sweetie pie..." he whined. Hillary cut him off with a sharp look and she continued barely missing a beat. "That's what we need, a law. Something that will put Christmas back the way it used to be." She tossed a pen on the desk and gestured for him to begin writing. She cleared her throat and began to dictate, "The Christmas Restoration Act of 1994, by William Jefferson Clinton".
As he rummaged through his disorganized desk drawers for a pad of paper, Bill put on his best "hopeful" face and asked "Does this mean we believe in Santa Claus this year?"
"Of course we do, she snapped. Who do you think it has been filling your stockings with coal and switches since you were ten? It certainly wasn't me or Jennifer Flowers, I can tell you that. Now start writing."
"Whereas Santa Claus has been found to engage in illicit commercial activities in the United States, and whereas he has flaunted the important laws of our nation endangering the health and economic well being of our citizens, and whereas this clearly constitutes the operation of an ongoing criminal enterprise, it is hereby resolved that federal officers should immediately seize the property of Mr. Claus and bring a temporary halt to his dangerous activities until he abides by certain minimal regulations in the interest of the common good."
Hillary stopped speaking when she noticed the horrified look on Bill's face. He plaintively blurted out the only three words in his mind at that time, "No more Santa?".
Hillary scowled. "Keep on writing. Just put down the outline for now and we'll fill in the details later."

"That sleigh is a place of employment so that pipe of his is illegal. It's for his own good anyway."

"Section 1. Labor Law and Affirmative Action Violations - We can check with the National Labor Relations Board and see if he has filed the right forms, but I'm certain that he has not given his employees an opportunity to unionize. Imagine the conditions! No unions, no minimum wage, no factory closing notices, no family leave requirements. Horrible. I'll bet he runs the place with real iron hand."
"Should I write that down too?" Bill asked. "Just keep writing." she replied briskly.
"Let's send Panetta out to do a study on the employment effect of his business. Just think of the unemployment that must be caused by the overtime those little elves are forced to work in that sweatshop of his! Every toy and article of clothing they produce is a meal taken out of the mouth of some deserving poor child of a union member."
"Also, there is no racial diversity among Santa's elves, they need some non-white, non-male elves, maybe some gay and lesbian elves. Hmm, I wonder if elves can get AIDS..."
"But honey, they aren't male. Elves are androgynous. Why, in the paper I saw a picture..."
"Shut up Bill, or you will be androgynous."
He whimpered "But Barney Frank says...".
Hillary scowled at him again and raised an accusatory eyebrow.
"Yes dear."
"Section 2. Aviation Regulation Violations - Let's run a check to see if Santa has a pilot's license. If he doesn't, he will have to go to ground school, learn to fly, and then have a health exam. I bet that old slave driver has not even had a checkup for years. He probably isn't insured either. He might have a heart attack and be unable to land."
"But honey, it would take months for him to get a license. What will we do when Christmas comes?", Hillary snapped back "It's not my fault if he didn't think ahead. You should get your priorities straight mister. Who are you working for, him or me? I have to look out for people. I can't be responsible for the fact that Santa Claus doesn't take care of himself. Are you married to him or me?"
Bill knew there was no escape. He slipped even lower into the chair so that his chin was barely visible above the desktop. "I'm happily married to you sweetie pie. Santa's bad.", he drawled.
Hillary smiled and went on.
"Santa doesn't follow FAA regulations. He needs approved running lights. I'm certain that deer noses aren't acceptable according to regulations. He needs an FAA registration number painted on the side of his vehicle too. Have a staffer look up the penalties on that one and have them compute a fine on a per-mile-traveled-in-violation basis. He carries no transponders, black boxes, or radios and does not request landing and take-off clearance at every house. We can't even track his position exactly. Where does he get off flying around like some kind of stealth bomber? Rooftops aren't approved landing sites anyway. Each home desiring a landing should apply for a temporary landing permit including an Environmental Impact Report. That should run him a cool $25,000 per house at least."
She pondered the situation briefly and said "You know, there are landing fees to be paid at most airfields too...oh well, that's enough for now. Let's move on."
"Section 3. Free Trade Regulation Violations - Santa engages in the dumping of goods at below his own cost of production. Heck, he's got a monopoly in his market. Nobody can compete with him with prices fixed like that. We could shut him down ten different ways right there. The Sherman Anti-Trust Act...the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade...NAFTA...Have the Attorney General draw up an indictment. We'll hold that in reserve in case Santa squirms. He'll have to play ball with us or we'll spring the lawsuits on him. Let's see if we can get the international Court of Justice to ratify some kind of condemnation of Santa too. Maybe Gore can twist some arms on that one. Let's just make sure it doesn't look like it's just me going after him alone."
"Section 4. OSHA Regulation Violations - Santa's workshop has never even been inspected by OSHA or any other workplace regulation agency. Just think of the number of violations he must have! He won't be certified to string two popcorn kernels together in there for at least a year."
"Section 5. Internal Revenue Service Violations - Santa's a regular Al Capone. None of his employees file 1040 forms or W-2s, and he has never sent us a penny in withholding or estimated tax."
"But honey pie", Bill whined, "Santa isn't an American, you said so yourself. He lives at the North Pole over international waters." He asked hesitantly, "Right?"
"Oh come on Bill. An agent of greed like he is would have to be an American. He's a greeedy capitalist exploiting people all over the world, evading taxes, butalizing his employees, oppressing minorities, and all the rest. Santa is 100% American alright and you know it. Don't you?"
"Yes dear."
"Section 6. Violation of Alcohol and Tobacco Laws - Santa carries that little flask of brandy while entering and leaving the country (without permission too) and he doesn't pay any duties. We can hit him for drunk driving, we can test him for alcohol and drugs. Make a note to have Ted look into that. He knows all about those laws."
Bill started to open his mouth to ask a question. No words came out though, so he just kept on writing.
"And smoking too. That sleigh is a place of employment so that pipe of his is illegal. It's for his own good anyway."
"Section 7. Violation of Immigration Law - Santa enters the country with no visa, no passport, and no permission of any kind and leaves the same way. Make a note to have Janet Reno check with the INS to see if we can get him for illegal immigration. Also make a note that we ought to see if we can get him extradited from the EC and the FSU. It'll do us no good to shut him down here if he's out bouncing around the world like some one-man multi-national corporation."
"What was 'FSU' again?" Bill asked hoarsely.
Hillary sighed. "Former Soviet Union" she said in an annoyed tone. "How many times do I have to tell you? Always check the red cue card before you ask me a stupid question."
"I keep forgetting...is that just Russia or...yes dear."
"Section 8. Animal Abuse - And what about those reindeer? Aren't they being held against their will? He ought to be forced to fund a study to determine if they are working voluntarily or whether they are voiceless victims of speciesism."
"But sweetie, they are just animals after all. How can you know if they are there against their will?"
"What?" she shrieked. "You are starting to sound just like a Republican. Don't you have any compassion for animals? Just think of where you would be if I didn't have compassion for you! Just shut up and listen. You might learn something."

"Why do you have to apply every last law to Santa? Why can't we give him a break?"

Hillary began to pace again, rubbing her chin.
After a few seconds of silence Bill interrupted, "Why do you have to apply every last law to Santa? Why can't we give him a break?"
"Oh but I am giving him a break. I'm intentionally ignoring a host of other violations he's guilty of. He doesn't carpool, I'm sure those reindeer have not had all their shots, he transports fruit over state lines, he has not filed forms with the the Social Security Administration, the SEC, HUD, or any of the agencies in any of the 50 states in which he operates, or any of the city governments and zoning boards, and to boot, he clearly has a poor diet and in his old age he will become a burden on society. He should thank me for just sticking with the IRS, FAA, NLRB, OSHA, and EEOC stuff and not holding him to all of the laws.
"But honey! How can you be so hard on Santa? All he does is make people happy. Can't you just make an exception?" He started to wince before she answered.
"Look, this guy is a slum lord! He is anti-union sweatshop owner! He produces all these things and gives them away destroying jobs! He is a danger to navigation! He eats too much fat! He smokes and drinks! He flaunts the law! If people realize what he is up to, they'll demand to know what we have done to put a stop to this. It's a good thing I noticed that Santa is such an exploiter of innocent people. Now we can do something about him."
Hillary panted as she finished her tirade and she glared at Bill waiting for a reply. "Well?" she said.
Bill sunk lower into his chair. He pouted as he uttered the required response. "Yes dear."
Hillary resumed her lecturing tone, "Don't you feel better now? This is why we came to Washington in the first place, to save the country from materialism and greedy influences. Now let's get this thing drafted and sent out to the press. This time remember, it goes out AFTER the last Limbaugh broadcast for the day. Got it?" She spun on her heel and walked out.
Bill could hear her calling for a secretary in the outer office. He relaxed in his chair and spun it around again to look out the window at the big fluffy clumps of snow falling outside. After a few moments of peace he winced at the shrieking in the outer office as Hillary fired the secretary for asking if she was serious. She poked her head back in the office and said "Is everyone around here incapable of thinking? Good God, would you do something useful around here for once?". "Yes dear.", Bill muttered under his breath in a sarcastic tone.
Bill straightened up in his chair and pressed a button on the intercom. "Get Stephenopolus and DeeDee Myers in here...I want to dialog with them about how we will save Christmas from that mean old Grinch."
For a moment Bill wondered who he should tell them who the Grinch was. Unable to make a decision between the two alternatives, he decided to spend a few more minutes practicing faces in the window instead.

Go back to Brian Yoder's Home Page